I’m…the opposite of a unicorn success story.
I started querying literary agents when I was 21 years old, fresh out of college and starry-eyed about making it big as a romance author. But first, all I needed was a full request from an agent.
Then, it was an offer of representation.
After that, it was signing a book deal with a major publisher. Gosh, that was the Big Dream; it was all I’d ever wanted. So, what if I was single and lonely in a big city, battling chronic anxiety? Getting published would fix it all—and I would finally be happy without needing anything else.
5 shelved manuscripts, 400 rejections, and SEVEN years later, I’ve turned that Big Dream into reality. My debut novel, Match Me If You Can, is now available wherever books are sold from Dell Romance/Penguin Random House—the major publisher I’d been hoping for all along.
Debuting with this book is such a moment of pride for me. Match Me If You Can is unapologetically Desi in a publishing industry that doesn't always champion marginalized voices.
My book is full of Indian matchmaking chaos, featuring a strong, ambitious, "unlikeable" heroine and a swoonworthy hero who's always loved her. Add to that the friends to lovers element, and it's everything I've ever wanted to read in a book—exactly why I wrote it.
This is the biggest thing I've achieved in my life, and I know it's only going to get better moving forward.
The problem, though, is that I barely soaked in the joy and thrill of it all before a voice popped up in my head: “Great, you’re a published author…but your book still needs to sell enough copies for you to stay published. You think you can manage that? You? Really?”
So, as tears streamed down my cheeks, I told my therapist how indifferent I now felt toward that goal. Shouldn’t I be more energetic? How am I not giddy with excitement? Why am I spending every waking moment worrying about the rest of my #AuthorGoals checklist? I haven’t sold a thousand copies yet. No film agent has shown any interest in Match Me If You Can. Reese Witherspoon doesn’t know I exist, so obviously my book sucks.
Goal Posts
“Why does the goal post keep moving?” I asked her, shaking my head. “Why can’t I just be happy and grateful about where I’m at? Why do I never feel like I’m winning?”
Of course, in true therapist fashion, she called me out for my sweeping generalizations about my emotions. I am happy. I am grateful. It’s human to have these moments where I don’t feel like enough—where my book doesn’t feel like enough. After all, ambition is what drives me. If I didn’t move the goalpost, I’d take zero steps to keep doing this publishing thing. It’s who I am at my core.
“What if the goalpost moving doesn’t have to be a bad thing?” my therapist said. “After all, it’s proof that you achieved the last goal. Isn’t that worth celebrating?”
Publishing is not for the soft-hearted, nor is it for the control freaks who are scared of rejection and desperate for validation. Sadly, I am all those things, and so are most authors I know. I’m unsure why people like us all gravitate towards publishing—an industry where nothing is certain and everything is a dumpster fire—but at the end of the day, all I or you or any of us can do is learn to sit with the inevitable disappointments and celebrate every single moment of joy.
I’ve never been good at celebrating my successes (gosh, I really suck at this ‘being an emotionally well-adjusted author’ thing, huh?), but with time, I’ve gotten better at living in the moment instead of obsessing over the future. Maybe the ‘what-ifs’ don’t matter half as much as the ‘what-is.’ Maybe I can be grateful for where I am and determined to keep going. Maybe it’s not so much about winning as it is about staying in the game.
I don’t write to be a bestselling author. I write because that’s who I am. Writing is breathing; it’s choosing to live instead of surviving. It’s pouring my heart and soul into a story that will make someone smile on their worst days.
If I do become a bestselling author someday, that’s awesome. I promise to celebrate that for at least one entire day before I shift my focus to the next Big Dream.
And if I don’t…at least I’ll have this blog post to look back on and remind myself that for every one goal I’m still aiming for, there are ten goals I’ve forgotten I ever achieved.
So, go ahead and move the goalposts. Feel the anxiety. Pace around your room at four fifty-five p.m. as you refresh your email for the hundredth time (no? Just me? Okay).
Let yourself be the messy human you are. Because I promise you, the version of you from three, four, five years ago would be SO proud of your mess. You should be, too.
Author bio:
Swati Hegde is a freelance editor, mindset coach, and self-proclaimed coffee shop enthusiast who lives in Bangalore, India, and can often be found at the nearest café with a hot mug of tea. She looks forward to a long career bringing Indian stories and voices to light.
Instagram: @swatihegdeauthor
Website: www.swatihegde.com
Buy links for Match Me If You Can:
https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/730328/match-me-if-you-can-by-swati-hegde/
You and I (and everyone else!) only serve an audience of One. Who cares what the others think; what the agents and publishers think; what friends and family think; all that matters is what He thinks! After a previously successful career, I came into this industry COMPLETELY OVER what all the naysayers think and say - I've filled the 'hole in my soul' with something much bigger, and much more important than Penguin, Harper-Collins and all the rest. May none of us ever be at the place you describe, "but at the end of the day, all I or you or any of us can do is learn to sit with the inevitable disappointments and celebrate every single moment of joy." I totally agree with the 'celebrate every single moment of joy' part, but you have a wonderful, humorous, incredible "voice" that can be wildly inspirational to so many, so please us Substack, or any mainline social platform to spread your bountiful 'moments of joy' with all the rest of us!
Thank you for this honest and relatable post. I'm right there with you, and I appreciate the reminder to celebrate each goalpost even as we shift them forward. You have so much to be proud of!!